hoodlums

Prime Minister Tony Blair was engaged in frantic talks this morning with education leaders, This Morning agony auntie Denise Roberts and expert negotiator Trisha Goddard. Top of the agenda is the question of how to deal with England's prevalent Youth Problem, brought to the forefront of political and public debate with the news that the management of out of town shopping centre Bluewater have controversially BANNED youths in pullovers with hoods from their barren consumer fortress. Other matters to be discussed include double decker buses, baggy trousers and baseball caps.

The Daily Mail is calling for a mandatory programme that will see the elimination of 'youth' as we know it. If all goes to plan, the difficult period between 11-19 will be smoothed over, making a swift and simple transition from boy child to adult man, with minimal disruption. Other powerful lobby groups are in touch with the UK's Chief Police Commissioner to instigate a 'Hoodie Amnesty', inviting repentant youths to give up their duffel coats, anoraks and balaclavas for a better, bare-headed future.

MP Harriet Longbottom is head of the Department for Manners and Minding Your Ps and Qs, created in the wake of the government's pointless and unremarkable election victory last week. She said this morning, 'Hoodies and or hooded youths are a threat to polite society. The sooner we can resolve this issue and get back to the Good Old Days, when boys were men, and knew that streets were for getting from A-Z and not loitering on, the better.'

However, liberal and civil rights groups have called into question the existence of the Good Old Days, and are lobbying for the new DMMPQ to be shut down. Blair hit back at these claims by insisting that the way forward is to 'smarten things up generally, get down to business, and you know, get youths busy. Generally, you know.'

'I sleep in hoodie jim jams,' Trim from Roll Deep Crew.